Some People Find the Beauty in all of this

I want to update. I need to. I have so much to say, yet nothing to say. I want to write about it, but I don't want anyone to know. I'm solving this quandary by just writing and seeing what comes out.

The last month has been simultaneously very busy and not that busy, if that makes sense. I was working quite a few hours each week, relaxing at home when not working, or meeting up with a couple friends when our schedules happen to be in sync (which is getting trickier and trickier to work out).

An update on all the health scares that were going on last time I wrote:
Mom's surgery went very well. We had a long day at the hospital, but she made (and is continuing to make) a great recovery.
My biopsy came back benign. This relief cannot even be described nor can the absolute terror leading up to it.
My grandma's test results were inconclusive I believe. They didn't find anything, but she is still having the headaches. We're still a little worried about her, but for now no news is good news.

This last Saturday night my parents and made a quick trip to Nashville. We found a home for one of our foster dogs (Hendrix, the boy). I already miss him. His sissy, Misty, also misses him very much. The home is a good one though, so I know he will be loved very much. While in Nashville I also found an apartment!! It's in the same complex as my friend Brock's, which is super exciting. My friend Tyler is also just about ten minutes away. It's a great location, and the apartment is beautiful. Nashville is ridiculously expensive though. I had a borderline panic attack when I realized how much it's going to cost and how little money I do have. After calming down and talking it out with my mom and dad, we figured out a way to make it work.

I'm afraid I'm to the point again of not wanting to write much. This last week (or close to it) has been terrible on all fronts, and I'm worried about my ability to cope and bounce back. I've suffered blows and difficulties in friendships, family, relationships from the present and past, work, and family friends. Add to that significant stresses and worries for the future, money, etc.

P!ink's song "One Foot Wrong" is a scary accurate description of my life at this point I'm afraid. C'est la vie.

Am I sweating all these tears on my face
Should I be hungry?
I can't remember the last time that I ate
Call someone, I need a friend to take me down

But one foot wrong and I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it, somebody gets it
But one foot wrong and I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it, somebody gets it

All the lights are on but I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me? Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll have to love me when I'm gone...

All the lights are on but I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me? Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll have to love me when I'm gone

Some people find the beauty in all of this
I go straight to the dark side near this
If it's it bad is it always my fault?
Did somebody bring me down?
Did somebody bring me down?
Did somebody bring me down?

One foot wrong, I'm gonna fall
Put one foot wrong and I'm gonna fall
But one foot wrong and I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it

It Won't All Go the Way it Should

Life has this tendency to get absolutely crazy for a while. I've also noticed that when it rains, it doesn't always pour. Sometimes there is a monsoon. Or a tornado.

I just feel like there is *too* much going on in my life right now, and I honestly don't feel like I'm strong enough to carry it much longer. Also, I don't feel old enough to deal with some of it either.

On Wednesday my mom goes in for gallbladder surgery. It is a very common surgery in which I know several people who have had it done, yet I can't help but have an irrational fear that something will go terribly wrong. While I know so many who have had a successful surgery, I can't help but think of someone who didn't. In seventh grade my volleyball coach had the surgery during the spring of that year. Complications occurred and she passed away from it. I still vividly remember the funeral because it was the first one I ever cried at. I really do believe everything will be fine, but I can't stop worrying.

The day before we found out the day of my mom's surgery (last week), I had a biopsy taken. I'm opting for the "out of sight, out of mind approach" until I get the results later this week; however I can't help but fleetingly imagine the worse. When I was in 5th grade I had this irrational fear that I had cancer. My "rationale" came from feeling my lymph nodes in my neck and getting freaked out by them. I remember literally staying awake for hours having a silent panic attack over it. Now, it seems my fear of cancer is no longer irrational, and that scares the hell out of me. I've asked a couple of my closest friends for prayer support, and I feel a sense of peace over me now about it. Also, I realize that this situation is completely out of my hands. There is nothing I can do.

Last week my Grandma Faye (dad's mom) went in for an MRI. We should have gotten the results over a week ago, but we are still waiting. On March 30th my grandma all of a sudden got Global Transient Amnesia in which she could not recall anything in her short term memory at all. I am very close to my grandma (and take after her quite a bit). She is the Matriarch of our family and the strongest woman I have ever met in my life. She has never been sick a day in her life. To see her lying on the hospital bed drying her tears and putting on a face to look put together for her older grandchildren (Luke and I) broke me. Imagining a stroke or anything terrible happening to her is not something I am not nor will I ever be prepared to deal with. Since her amnesia spell (which is thankfully all gone now. It lasted just a few hours.), she has had reoccurring neck pain and serious headaches. This pain is what prompted the MRI test. Hopefully everything will come out fine, but the entire family can't help but worry that there could be something serious going on.

Other than that....

The really bad wind storms that came through the Friday before Mother's Day were quite scary in my neck of the woods. Normally I'm a fan of storms; however this storm was the scariest storm I've ever been in. Even my dad who I have never seen even the teensiest bit worried was scared. I woke up to my closed windows rattling and blowing my curtains (inside the room), a green sky, swirling wind, and the tops of two of our hard wood trees nearly touching the grass in the wind. My parents, the dogs, and I huddled in the bathroom for nearly 30 minutes during which we lost electricity. Almost 2 days later, we got power and water back. It turns out Willard got hit by 6 tornadoes in that storm, one of which *hit* my neighborhood. There were trees uprooted in every yard, all laying different directions, fences blown away, shingles everywhere but on roofs on some houses, branches strewn everywhere, including a rather large on one my car, separate garages normally in the backyard in their neighbor's front yard, a barn flattened, a school less than a mile away nearly destroyed, and our siding blew into our fence. Watching winds at 85 mph is intense. I now know what a hurricane is like and I can confidently say that I am not a fan. I'm pretty sure I watched Toto blow by. So yeah......that was interesting for sure.

There's a lot of other stuff going on too like work, getting ready to move and for grad school, our boat breaking down when we need to sell it, money disappearing into thin air, parents realizing just how good of a liar I am, dealing with my parent's disappointment, finally saying goodbye to Drury, saying goodbye (not permanent but who knows?) to all my college friends now that we're all moving on, rebuilding a friendship with my ex and former best friend, trying to distance myself from those who I don't want to build friendships with, working hard to spend as much time as possible with my closes friends (Rachel, Krisitian, and Sarah), trying to figure out how to handle delicate situations/broken friendships and hearts, and..........

Bascially it breaks down to:
Worry worry worry about growing up and moving on.

Bad news never had good timing...
(The Heart of Life by John Mayer)

Oh yeah....and World Peace

(Jerusalem)
I've been reading this book called The Faith Club: A Muslim, A Christian, A Jew--Three Women Search for Understanding. This book really stands out to me. It is about interfaith dialogue between the three Abrahamic faiths, which is what I'm passionate about and what I want to dedicate my career, future, and life towards. As I've read through it, I have definitely learned a lot about interfaith dialogue on a personal level. It has also confirmed within me that this is what I care about, what my heart beats for.

One section I read tonight really stood out to me because the woman is writing words that my heart speaks. I read it aloud to my mom and her response was simply, "That's exactly your heart." The woman writing this section is the Jewish woman and she is reflecting on her changing views on Israel and also about her love for the Holy Land.

"I'd like to imagine [Israel as] a land of milk and honey, a place where Christians, Jews, and Muslims live together in that one little sliver of holy land in peace, where Jerusalem is the holy city for all faiths. Where saplings are planted and ancient olive trees revered. Where children of all religions and backgrounds believe they have a future. Many people would call me a dreamer. But I don't want to live my life any other way. If I weren't an optimist, I would never have entered into [this interfaith dialogue and relationship]. So many other people would have seen the obstacles to real dialogue and stopped talking. But I need to live in a world where I believe good will prevail over evil, where people will eventually, somehow, put down their arms, and say 'Enough.'

I've read enough now to understand how deeply and tragically conflicts evolved between the Jews and the Arabs over time. But I need to have a dream, to believe that place can exist again. Imperfectly and improbably. And I believe that being a dreamer might in fact take more courage than being a cynic.

There is ultimately no way for me to escape talking honestly about Israel. Hadn't I learned, after all, to see the good alongside the bad, the bitter with the sweet? Could I hear people talk about how beautiful the land of Israel is without pointing out how difficult life is in the Palestinian refugee camps? I will speak out when the time is right, I've decided. I no longer have a choice."
(Birzeit, Israel--olive trees)
(Deheisheh Refugee camp--the largest Palestinian refugee camp in Bethlehem)

I cannot adequately describe how beautiful this quote from Priscilla Warner is to me, how well it puts words to my deepest convictions and passions. I almost cried after reading this because this really is my heart speaking out. I really do dream about peace in Jerusalem even though many say it is impossible. Whether or not it is probable is not what matters to me. What matters is doing everything we can to try for understanding, justice, and peace. If one person's life can be made better, then it is worth it. I have to speak up about Israel in full honesty, honesty that understands this issue politically, religiously, and culturally, honesty that seeks unification not further division, honesty that is willing to work hard for a peace that some would call just a dream.

You may say I'm a dreamer,
But I'm not the only one.

Deceptions of Reflections

I decided to post a poem on here that I wrote almost 3 years ago now. This is actually an incredibly personal poem that I wrote when I was really struggling.

The Deceptions of Reflections
The armor is on
Swords are drawn
Yet another battle is about to begin
I lead the army onward
The battleground draws near and my sword
Is ready to kill
Again
The enemy grows weaker
Our last battle really hurt her
Her defense is nearly gone
We will conquer!
Alright Army, CHARGE!
The process is almost complete
Her mind is ready to yield to us
Tell her she's fat
Make her feel ugly
Convince her she's worthless
Force her to put her fork down
Again
and Again
Just like last time
Ignore her tears
Don't heed her pleas
Never let up!
We must continue to bombard her thoughts
Day
and Night
Constantly
Wait!
What is she doing?
Oh no! She's stronger than we thought
Tell her to put the mirror down
Do it before she breaks...
CRASH!!
...it.
Is that a smile on her face?
(7/20/06)

If you've ever had low self-esteem that turned into an eating disorder (or dangerously close to one), then you can probably relate to this poem. If you haven't, then I hope this will show you what the mindset of someone struggling with anorexia can be like. Anorexia (or any eating disorder) occurs in the mind not body, and I did my best to capture how real the battle which takes place in the mind really is. Also once it has poisoned your mind, it never fully goes away. When I wrote this I was struggling with it (though never too serious or extreme), and since then I have found myself struggling again with it, although to a lesser degree. Now I find myself struggling the most when I am depressed. (I'm good now. No worries.) Anyway, this is probably my favorite poem that I have written. It is personal, and the ending means the most to me. At the time I wrote the ending not out of truth but out of hope. It was a plea that I would find the same strength and finally overcome.

Hendrix and Misty

About 3 weeks ago, my family picked up these 2 rescue English Cocker Spaniels to foster until the ECSA (English Cocker Spaniel Association) Rescue can find good homes for them. Their breeder had over 30 dogs, so the ECSA came in and took them all. These dogs had no human interaction, so we are working on socializing them.

(Hendrix is on the left and Misty is on the right.)

When we first got them, Hendrix had crazy/terrified eyes and wouldn't let any of us get anywhere near him. Misty was scared too and looked mostly to Hendrix for what to do. After spending a lot of time with these dogs, they now come in the house and love laying on the couch. They don't have crazy eyes. They love being petted; their whole bodies wiggle around when we get near them. They love giving kissies. They didn't even eat or drink anything the first 2 1/2 days, and now they will take food out of our hands. Basically, they have made so much improvement in the last 3 weeks that it is unbelievable. I'm so proud of them!! They still have a way to go but the fact that we've already gained some of their trust is incredible.

It's going to be really hard when we have to give them away because these 2 have wiggled their way into both mine and my mom's hearts.

Psalm 13

During church Sunday morning I started scanning through the Psalms as my mind drifted from the pastor's sermon. I landed on one, Psalm 13, and it really spoke to me. The voice in it could very well be my own at this point. Also, the psalm ends on a confident yet hopeful note that I one day hope to find again in God. I guess I just found a sort of solace in this chapter and thought I would share.

Psalm 13

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I bear pain in my soul, and have sorrow in my heart all day long?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and answer me, O Lord my God!
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death and my enemy will say, "I have prevailed"; my foes will rejoice because I am shaken.

But I trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me.

I Need a New Town

(Jazmyne and I on the drive down)

Last week I made a semi-whirlwind trip down to Nashville, TN with the chief purpose of visiting Vanderbilt Divinity school. I rode down there with one of my good friends, Jazmyne, and met up with a couple of my other good friends in the city (Tyler and Brock). On Thursday I visited Vanderbilt Divinity, which basically meant that I sat in on a class (Constructive Theology II) next to a friend/middle school ex of Kassie's and Lindsey's. I love how small the world really is. The class was interesting and quite thought provoking, but it was pretty dense. I was glad I didn't have to take notes and that it's not required for MTS students. After the class, I "toured" the divinity library. Toured is put in quotations because that's being generous to call it a tour. The library is, for the most part, in the basement of the giant Vanderbilt Library. They have a pretty impressive collection of Judaica though, which I'm excited about. Vandy also has a program on Jewish studies that will give me a certificate in it. I'm definitely pumped about that! I sat around and chatted with some students while I waited for Brock to get out of class so we could get lunch together. Everyone there was so nice. It just felt so right when I was there. Plus it helps that I have a good friend going to school there too. So....I am FOR SURE going to Vanderbilt Divinity in the fall. I send in my letter of acceptance and deposit next week, and I will MOVE down to NASHVILLE the second weekend (most likely) of August. Crazy, but awesome!

Another exciting update is that I *finally* got a job. I start on Tuesday at The Grotto. It's on Kimbrough and Battlefield in the Battlefield Marketplace. They serve up delicious food. I've been looking for a job for more or less eight or so months, so this is definitely a relief. Plus, I could really use the money. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time (but more nervous....).


I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind
(Boston by Augustana)