Deceptions of Reflections

I decided to post a poem on here that I wrote almost 3 years ago now. This is actually an incredibly personal poem that I wrote when I was really struggling.

The Deceptions of Reflections
The armor is on
Swords are drawn
Yet another battle is about to begin
I lead the army onward
The battleground draws near and my sword
Is ready to kill
Again
The enemy grows weaker
Our last battle really hurt her
Her defense is nearly gone
We will conquer!
Alright Army, CHARGE!
The process is almost complete
Her mind is ready to yield to us
Tell her she's fat
Make her feel ugly
Convince her she's worthless
Force her to put her fork down
Again
and Again
Just like last time
Ignore her tears
Don't heed her pleas
Never let up!
We must continue to bombard her thoughts
Day
and Night
Constantly
Wait!
What is she doing?
Oh no! She's stronger than we thought
Tell her to put the mirror down
Do it before she breaks...
CRASH!!
...it.
Is that a smile on her face?
(7/20/06)

If you've ever had low self-esteem that turned into an eating disorder (or dangerously close to one), then you can probably relate to this poem. If you haven't, then I hope this will show you what the mindset of someone struggling with anorexia can be like. Anorexia (or any eating disorder) occurs in the mind not body, and I did my best to capture how real the battle which takes place in the mind really is. Also once it has poisoned your mind, it never fully goes away. When I wrote this I was struggling with it (though never too serious or extreme), and since then I have found myself struggling again with it, although to a lesser degree. Now I find myself struggling the most when I am depressed. (I'm good now. No worries.) Anyway, this is probably my favorite poem that I have written. It is personal, and the ending means the most to me. At the time I wrote the ending not out of truth but out of hope. It was a plea that I would find the same strength and finally overcome.

Dance... by Rumi

I bought a book of poems by Rumi last spring, and really loved them. I have done more scanning of the book than anything. My parents and I went camping for Labor Day weekend this fall, and I found a poem in the book that weekend that quickly became my favorite Rumi poem (and possibly all-time favorite poem). It became my mantra for the semester, and I feel like I have lived out each stanza, or at least tried my hardest to do so. Anyway, here is the poem that saved me and my sanity this semester:

Dance, when you're broken open.
Dance, if you've torn the bandage off.
Dance in the middle of the fighting.
Dance in your blood.
Dance, when you're perfectly free.

-Rumi

Dance Practice

For so long I've been searching,
Looking for the right dance partner,
One whose movements I can always predict,
Whose body moves rhythmically with mine,
Who twirls me around until I'm dizzy,
Who catches me when I dip low,
And who lifts me high above.
I long for the intimacy,
The passion,
The support and security,
And the comfort which accompanies perfect chemistry.
I've tried out a partner, or ten.
We danced a few dances: the tango, a waltz.
But every partner dropped me from a lift,
Or twirled me around and around, never steadying my balance.
We got out of step, lost our rhythm.
Frantically I looked for a new partner each time
Meanwhile I failed to notice how rigid my own movements became
Or how my feet began struggling to find the beat
I looked in the mirror while dancing with my last partner and
saw a girl who needed some practice
Alone--just her and the mirror
I finally found freedom and joy when I was
Dancing,
Dancing alone,
Dancing in my blood.

Song of Silence

I decided I want to put up a poem I wrote over Thanksgiving break. Before I put it up I need to give the story behind it so hopefully it will make the poem more meaningful to those of you who read it.

Summer 2006 I had the amazing opportunity to go to Israel and the West Bank. While I was in the West Bank (Palestine), I stayed in Bethlehem. The group I went with visited a non-profit organization there in Bethlehem called the House of Hope. This building provides education, work, and a social environment for blind adults and children with physical/mental disabilities. There were several children there. One girl in particular captured my attention. She just kept staring at me with her big brown eyes. Her eyes literally danced and lit up her face, and then she would just sit and smile. Her smile was so beautiful. She literally had me mesmerized by the joy in her face. She didn't have down syndrome or any obvious handicaps, so I wondered why she was there. Later I learned her story, and it broke my heart.

When she was a little girl (still a toddler I believe), the Israeli soldiers burst into her house kicking her and her family out. The soldiers startled her and scared her so she tried to run away from them. While she was trying to get away she fell and hit her head. Her fall caused her to not be able to speak again.

I found the picture I took of her and it inspired me to write this poem. Here are two pictures of her.
















"Song of Silence: from a بنت جميلة"
(transliteration from Arabic: biint jamila. translation: beautiful girl)

Little girl
My soul is heavy for you tonight.
Your deep brown eyes dancing with light
Caught my gaze.
As our eyes met you
Captured my heart.
I can see your beautiful smile stretching across your
Brown face and your
Free spirit shining through.
Words to share escape me even before I
Understand that oppressors
Stole your song and
Caged you.
They took the key and left you a
Victim
Forever bearing the scar of this punishment given for a
Crime you never committed.
In spite of your suffering, you didn't stop
Smiling and as you smiled I could
Hear the lyrics of the
Beautiful song you were
Singing even though the oppressors took your
Words.