Oh, the Places You'll Go!

I am now a resident of Nashville, TN. I've been here for just over 2 full weeks now. My first week of class at Vandy Divinity is now over. I've made a couple friends here. School is great. It's going to kick my ass for sure, but I'm excited to learn new stuff. Money continues to be a serious issue of panic-attack proportions. (For example, I need $700 to materialize by Sept. 1.) Besides that, I love Nashville thus far (though I have yet to really go out into the city much). I've made a lovely little home here.

Growing up is hard to do. Leading up to my move here (my first real move from home), I was experiencing the bittersweet feeling of growing up. I feel like I've really grown as a woman in the last 4 years, but 2 weeks ago was when I was pushed out of the nest in hopes that I can fly. There was this tension. On one side, I couldn't wait to gain real independence, to have a place of my own, and to live my life on my terms. The stress and tension of living at home since I was 21 and wanting to stay out past midnight (gasp!) and dated a guy my parents liked but didn't approve of wore me down significantly over the last 2 1/2 years. However, part of me was still clinging onto my childhood. When it comes down to it, I am a daddy's girl and my mom is one of my closest friends. I miss being a little girl. I miss the simplicity of life, the perimeters built to keep you safe, the secure environment full of love at home. Now that I'm 8 hours away, my daddy can't be there to help me if I need him. My mom can't give me a hug and call whoever hurt me a bitch or an asshole while fixing me some dinner or buying ice cream to fix some of the pain. I felt on the edge of ready to grow up and wanting to desperately be a little girl, of wanting independence and wanting the security of my parents. Right before I was pushed out of the nest into the big world, I was terrified I couldn't yet fly. I wasn't ready. I'm still worried I'm going to take a nose-dive soon (thank you hella cost of living Nashville). Life will work out some way I guess. For now I'm going to keep my worrying to a minimum. There's only so much I can do anyway.

For some hope and inspiration, I defer to Dr. Seuss' Oh, the Places You'll Go!:

"You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own.
And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed.
You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you’ll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

I'm sorry to say so
But, sadly it's true
That bang-ups and hang-ups
Can happen to you.

On and on you will hike, And I know you’ll hike far
and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up of course, as you already know.
You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go.

So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
And remember that Life’s a great balancing act.

Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

Will you succeed?
Yes you will indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)"

It Won't All Go the Way it Should

Life has this tendency to get absolutely crazy for a while. I've also noticed that when it rains, it doesn't always pour. Sometimes there is a monsoon. Or a tornado.

I just feel like there is *too* much going on in my life right now, and I honestly don't feel like I'm strong enough to carry it much longer. Also, I don't feel old enough to deal with some of it either.

On Wednesday my mom goes in for gallbladder surgery. It is a very common surgery in which I know several people who have had it done, yet I can't help but have an irrational fear that something will go terribly wrong. While I know so many who have had a successful surgery, I can't help but think of someone who didn't. In seventh grade my volleyball coach had the surgery during the spring of that year. Complications occurred and she passed away from it. I still vividly remember the funeral because it was the first one I ever cried at. I really do believe everything will be fine, but I can't stop worrying.

The day before we found out the day of my mom's surgery (last week), I had a biopsy taken. I'm opting for the "out of sight, out of mind approach" until I get the results later this week; however I can't help but fleetingly imagine the worse. When I was in 5th grade I had this irrational fear that I had cancer. My "rationale" came from feeling my lymph nodes in my neck and getting freaked out by them. I remember literally staying awake for hours having a silent panic attack over it. Now, it seems my fear of cancer is no longer irrational, and that scares the hell out of me. I've asked a couple of my closest friends for prayer support, and I feel a sense of peace over me now about it. Also, I realize that this situation is completely out of my hands. There is nothing I can do.

Last week my Grandma Faye (dad's mom) went in for an MRI. We should have gotten the results over a week ago, but we are still waiting. On March 30th my grandma all of a sudden got Global Transient Amnesia in which she could not recall anything in her short term memory at all. I am very close to my grandma (and take after her quite a bit). She is the Matriarch of our family and the strongest woman I have ever met in my life. She has never been sick a day in her life. To see her lying on the hospital bed drying her tears and putting on a face to look put together for her older grandchildren (Luke and I) broke me. Imagining a stroke or anything terrible happening to her is not something I am not nor will I ever be prepared to deal with. Since her amnesia spell (which is thankfully all gone now. It lasted just a few hours.), she has had reoccurring neck pain and serious headaches. This pain is what prompted the MRI test. Hopefully everything will come out fine, but the entire family can't help but worry that there could be something serious going on.

Other than that....

The really bad wind storms that came through the Friday before Mother's Day were quite scary in my neck of the woods. Normally I'm a fan of storms; however this storm was the scariest storm I've ever been in. Even my dad who I have never seen even the teensiest bit worried was scared. I woke up to my closed windows rattling and blowing my curtains (inside the room), a green sky, swirling wind, and the tops of two of our hard wood trees nearly touching the grass in the wind. My parents, the dogs, and I huddled in the bathroom for nearly 30 minutes during which we lost electricity. Almost 2 days later, we got power and water back. It turns out Willard got hit by 6 tornadoes in that storm, one of which *hit* my neighborhood. There were trees uprooted in every yard, all laying different directions, fences blown away, shingles everywhere but on roofs on some houses, branches strewn everywhere, including a rather large on one my car, separate garages normally in the backyard in their neighbor's front yard, a barn flattened, a school less than a mile away nearly destroyed, and our siding blew into our fence. Watching winds at 85 mph is intense. I now know what a hurricane is like and I can confidently say that I am not a fan. I'm pretty sure I watched Toto blow by. So yeah......that was interesting for sure.

There's a lot of other stuff going on too like work, getting ready to move and for grad school, our boat breaking down when we need to sell it, money disappearing into thin air, parents realizing just how good of a liar I am, dealing with my parent's disappointment, finally saying goodbye to Drury, saying goodbye (not permanent but who knows?) to all my college friends now that we're all moving on, rebuilding a friendship with my ex and former best friend, trying to distance myself from those who I don't want to build friendships with, working hard to spend as much time as possible with my closes friends (Rachel, Krisitian, and Sarah), trying to figure out how to handle delicate situations/broken friendships and hearts, and..........

Bascially it breaks down to:
Worry worry worry about growing up and moving on.

Bad news never had good timing...
(The Heart of Life by John Mayer)