I want to update. I need to. I have so much to say, yet nothing to say. I want to write about it, but I don't want anyone to know. I'm solving this quandary by just writing and seeing what comes out.
The last month has been simultaneously very busy and not that busy, if that makes sense. I was working quite a few hours each week, relaxing at home when not working, or meeting up with a couple friends when our schedules happen to be in sync (which is getting trickier and trickier to work out).
An update on all the health scares that were going on last time I wrote:
Mom's surgery went very well. We had a long day at the hospital, but she made (and is continuing to make) a great recovery.
My biopsy came back benign. This relief cannot even be described nor can the absolute terror leading up to it.
My grandma's test results were inconclusive I believe. They didn't find anything, but she is still having the headaches. We're still a little worried about her, but for now no news is good news.
This last Saturday night my parents and made a quick trip to Nashville. We found a home for one of our foster dogs (Hendrix, the boy). I already miss him. His sissy, Misty, also misses him very much. The home is a good one though, so I know he will be loved very much. While in Nashville I also found an apartment!! It's in the same complex as my friend Brock's, which is super exciting. My friend Tyler is also just about ten minutes away. It's a great location, and the apartment is beautiful. Nashville is ridiculously expensive though. I had a borderline panic attack when I realized how much it's going to cost and how little money I do have. After calming down and talking it out with my mom and dad, we figured out a way to make it work.
I'm afraid I'm to the point again of not wanting to write much. This last week (or close to it) has been terrible on all fronts, and I'm worried about my ability to cope and bounce back. I've suffered blows and difficulties in friendships, family, relationships from the present and past, work, and family friends. Add to that significant stresses and worries for the future, money, etc.
P!ink's song "One Foot Wrong" is a scary accurate description of my life at this point I'm afraid. C'est la vie.
Am I sweating all these tears on my face
Should I be hungry?
I can't remember the last time that I ate
Call someone, I need a friend to take me down
But one foot wrong and I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it, somebody gets it
But one foot wrong and I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it, somebody gets it
All the lights are on but I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me? Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll have to love me when I'm gone...
All the lights are on but I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me? Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll have to love me when I'm gone
Some people find the beauty in all of this
I go straight to the dark side near this
If it's it bad is it always my fault?
Did somebody bring me down?
Did somebody bring me down?
Did somebody bring me down?
One foot wrong, I'm gonna fall
Put one foot wrong and I'm gonna fall
But one foot wrong and I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it
Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
It Won't All Go the Way it Should
Life has this tendency to get absolutely crazy for a while. I've also noticed that when it rains, it doesn't always pour. Sometimes there is a monsoon. Or a tornado.
I just feel like there is *too* much going on in my life right now, and I honestly don't feel like I'm strong enough to carry it much longer. Also, I don't feel old enough to deal with some of it either.
On Wednesday my mom goes in for gallbladder surgery. It is a very common surgery in which I know several people who have had it done, yet I can't help but have an irrational fear that something will go terribly wrong. While I know so many who have had a successful surgery, I can't help but think of someone who didn't. In seventh grade my volleyball coach had the surgery during the spring of that year. Complications occurred and she passed away from it. I still vividly remember the funeral because it was the first one I ever cried at. I really do believe everything will be fine, but I can't stop worrying.
The day before we found out the day of my mom's surgery (last week), I had a biopsy taken. I'm opting for the "out of sight, out of mind approach" until I get the results later this week; however I can't help but fleetingly imagine the worse. When I was in 5th grade I had this irrational fear that I had cancer. My "rationale" came from feeling my lymph nodes in my neck and getting freaked out by them. I remember literally staying awake for hours having a silent panic attack over it. Now, it seems my fear of cancer is no longer irrational, and that scares the hell out of me. I've asked a couple of my closest friends for prayer support, and I feel a sense of peace over me now about it. Also, I realize that this situation is completely out of my hands. There is nothing I can do.
Last week my Grandma Faye (dad's mom) went in for an MRI. We should have gotten the results over a week ago, but we are still waiting. On March 30th my grandma all of a sudden got Global Transient Amnesia in which she could not recall anything in her short term memory at all. I am very close to my grandma (and take after her quite a bit). She is the Matriarch of our family and the strongest woman I have ever met in my life. She has never been sick a day in her life. To see her lying on the hospital bed drying her tears and putting on a face to look put together for her older grandchildren (Luke and I) broke me. Imagining a stroke or anything terrible happening to her is not something I am not nor will I ever be prepared to deal with. Since her amnesia spell (which is thankfully all gone now. It lasted just a few hours.), she has had reoccurring neck pain and serious headaches. This pain is what prompted the MRI test. Hopefully everything will come out fine, but the entire family can't help but worry that there could be something serious going on.
Other than that....
The really bad wind storms that came through the Friday before Mother's Day were quite scary in my neck of the woods. Normally I'm a fan of storms; however this storm was the scariest storm I've ever been in. Even my dad who I have never seen even the teensiest bit worried was scared. I woke up to my closed windows rattling and blowing my curtains (inside the room), a green sky, swirling wind, and the tops of two of our hard wood trees nearly touching the grass in the wind. My parents, the dogs, and I huddled in the bathroom for nearly 30 minutes during which we lost electricity. Almost 2 days later, we got power and water back. It turns out Willard got hit by 6 tornadoes in that storm, one of which *hit* my neighborhood. There were trees uprooted in every yard, all laying different directions, fences blown away, shingles everywhere but on roofs on some houses, branches strewn everywhere, including a rather large on one my car, separate garages normally in the backyard in their neighbor's front yard, a barn flattened, a school less than a mile away nearly destroyed, and our siding blew into our fence. Watching winds at 85 mph is intense. I now know what a hurricane is like and I can confidently say that I am not a fan. I'm pretty sure I watched Toto blow by. So yeah......that was interesting for sure.
There's a lot of other stuff going on too like work, getting ready to move and for grad school, our boat breaking down when we need to sell it, money disappearing into thin air, parents realizing just how good of a liar I am, dealing with my parent's disappointment, finally saying goodbye to Drury, saying goodbye (not permanent but who knows?) to all my college friends now that we're all moving on, rebuilding a friendship with my ex and former best friend, trying to distance myself from those who I don't want to build friendships with, working hard to spend as much time as possible with my closes friends (Rachel, Krisitian, and Sarah), trying to figure out how to handle delicate situations/broken friendships and hearts, and..........
Bascially it breaks down to:
Worry worry worry about growing up and moving on.
Bad news never had good timing...
(The Heart of Life by John Mayer)
I just feel like there is *too* much going on in my life right now, and I honestly don't feel like I'm strong enough to carry it much longer. Also, I don't feel old enough to deal with some of it either.
On Wednesday my mom goes in for gallbladder surgery. It is a very common surgery in which I know several people who have had it done, yet I can't help but have an irrational fear that something will go terribly wrong. While I know so many who have had a successful surgery, I can't help but think of someone who didn't. In seventh grade my volleyball coach had the surgery during the spring of that year. Complications occurred and she passed away from it. I still vividly remember the funeral because it was the first one I ever cried at. I really do believe everything will be fine, but I can't stop worrying.
The day before we found out the day of my mom's surgery (last week), I had a biopsy taken. I'm opting for the "out of sight, out of mind approach" until I get the results later this week; however I can't help but fleetingly imagine the worse. When I was in 5th grade I had this irrational fear that I had cancer. My "rationale" came from feeling my lymph nodes in my neck and getting freaked out by them. I remember literally staying awake for hours having a silent panic attack over it. Now, it seems my fear of cancer is no longer irrational, and that scares the hell out of me. I've asked a couple of my closest friends for prayer support, and I feel a sense of peace over me now about it. Also, I realize that this situation is completely out of my hands. There is nothing I can do.
Last week my Grandma Faye (dad's mom) went in for an MRI. We should have gotten the results over a week ago, but we are still waiting. On March 30th my grandma all of a sudden got Global Transient Amnesia in which she could not recall anything in her short term memory at all. I am very close to my grandma (and take after her quite a bit). She is the Matriarch of our family and the strongest woman I have ever met in my life. She has never been sick a day in her life. To see her lying on the hospital bed drying her tears and putting on a face to look put together for her older grandchildren (Luke and I) broke me. Imagining a stroke or anything terrible happening to her is not something I am not nor will I ever be prepared to deal with. Since her amnesia spell (which is thankfully all gone now. It lasted just a few hours.), she has had reoccurring neck pain and serious headaches. This pain is what prompted the MRI test. Hopefully everything will come out fine, but the entire family can't help but worry that there could be something serious going on.
Other than that....
The really bad wind storms that came through the Friday before Mother's Day were quite scary in my neck of the woods. Normally I'm a fan of storms; however this storm was the scariest storm I've ever been in. Even my dad who I have never seen even the teensiest bit worried was scared. I woke up to my closed windows rattling and blowing my curtains (inside the room), a green sky, swirling wind, and the tops of two of our hard wood trees nearly touching the grass in the wind. My parents, the dogs, and I huddled in the bathroom for nearly 30 minutes during which we lost electricity. Almost 2 days later, we got power and water back. It turns out Willard got hit by 6 tornadoes in that storm, one of which *hit* my neighborhood. There were trees uprooted in every yard, all laying different directions, fences blown away, shingles everywhere but on roofs on some houses, branches strewn everywhere, including a rather large on one my car, separate garages normally in the backyard in their neighbor's front yard, a barn flattened, a school less than a mile away nearly destroyed, and our siding blew into our fence. Watching winds at 85 mph is intense. I now know what a hurricane is like and I can confidently say that I am not a fan. I'm pretty sure I watched Toto blow by. So yeah......that was interesting for sure.
There's a lot of other stuff going on too like work, getting ready to move and for grad school, our boat breaking down when we need to sell it, money disappearing into thin air, parents realizing just how good of a liar I am, dealing with my parent's disappointment, finally saying goodbye to Drury, saying goodbye (not permanent but who knows?) to all my college friends now that we're all moving on, rebuilding a friendship with my ex and former best friend, trying to distance myself from those who I don't want to build friendships with, working hard to spend as much time as possible with my closes friends (Rachel, Krisitian, and Sarah), trying to figure out how to handle delicate situations/broken friendships and hearts, and..........
Bascially it breaks down to:
Worry worry worry about growing up and moving on.
Bad news never had good timing...
(The Heart of Life by John Mayer)
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