Oh, the Places You'll Go!

I am now a resident of Nashville, TN. I've been here for just over 2 full weeks now. My first week of class at Vandy Divinity is now over. I've made a couple friends here. School is great. It's going to kick my ass for sure, but I'm excited to learn new stuff. Money continues to be a serious issue of panic-attack proportions. (For example, I need $700 to materialize by Sept. 1.) Besides that, I love Nashville thus far (though I have yet to really go out into the city much). I've made a lovely little home here.

Growing up is hard to do. Leading up to my move here (my first real move from home), I was experiencing the bittersweet feeling of growing up. I feel like I've really grown as a woman in the last 4 years, but 2 weeks ago was when I was pushed out of the nest in hopes that I can fly. There was this tension. On one side, I couldn't wait to gain real independence, to have a place of my own, and to live my life on my terms. The stress and tension of living at home since I was 21 and wanting to stay out past midnight (gasp!) and dated a guy my parents liked but didn't approve of wore me down significantly over the last 2 1/2 years. However, part of me was still clinging onto my childhood. When it comes down to it, I am a daddy's girl and my mom is one of my closest friends. I miss being a little girl. I miss the simplicity of life, the perimeters built to keep you safe, the secure environment full of love at home. Now that I'm 8 hours away, my daddy can't be there to help me if I need him. My mom can't give me a hug and call whoever hurt me a bitch or an asshole while fixing me some dinner or buying ice cream to fix some of the pain. I felt on the edge of ready to grow up and wanting to desperately be a little girl, of wanting independence and wanting the security of my parents. Right before I was pushed out of the nest into the big world, I was terrified I couldn't yet fly. I wasn't ready. I'm still worried I'm going to take a nose-dive soon (thank you hella cost of living Nashville). Life will work out some way I guess. For now I'm going to keep my worrying to a minimum. There's only so much I can do anyway.

For some hope and inspiration, I defer to Dr. Seuss' Oh, the Places You'll Go!:

"You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own.
And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed.
You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you’ll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

I'm sorry to say so
But, sadly it's true
That bang-ups and hang-ups
Can happen to you.

On and on you will hike, And I know you’ll hike far
and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up of course, as you already know.
You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go.

So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
And remember that Life’s a great balancing act.

Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

Will you succeed?
Yes you will indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)"

Some People Find the Beauty in all of this

I want to update. I need to. I have so much to say, yet nothing to say. I want to write about it, but I don't want anyone to know. I'm solving this quandary by just writing and seeing what comes out.

The last month has been simultaneously very busy and not that busy, if that makes sense. I was working quite a few hours each week, relaxing at home when not working, or meeting up with a couple friends when our schedules happen to be in sync (which is getting trickier and trickier to work out).

An update on all the health scares that were going on last time I wrote:
Mom's surgery went very well. We had a long day at the hospital, but she made (and is continuing to make) a great recovery.
My biopsy came back benign. This relief cannot even be described nor can the absolute terror leading up to it.
My grandma's test results were inconclusive I believe. They didn't find anything, but she is still having the headaches. We're still a little worried about her, but for now no news is good news.

This last Saturday night my parents and made a quick trip to Nashville. We found a home for one of our foster dogs (Hendrix, the boy). I already miss him. His sissy, Misty, also misses him very much. The home is a good one though, so I know he will be loved very much. While in Nashville I also found an apartment!! It's in the same complex as my friend Brock's, which is super exciting. My friend Tyler is also just about ten minutes away. It's a great location, and the apartment is beautiful. Nashville is ridiculously expensive though. I had a borderline panic attack when I realized how much it's going to cost and how little money I do have. After calming down and talking it out with my mom and dad, we figured out a way to make it work.

I'm afraid I'm to the point again of not wanting to write much. This last week (or close to it) has been terrible on all fronts, and I'm worried about my ability to cope and bounce back. I've suffered blows and difficulties in friendships, family, relationships from the present and past, work, and family friends. Add to that significant stresses and worries for the future, money, etc.

P!ink's song "One Foot Wrong" is a scary accurate description of my life at this point I'm afraid. C'est la vie.

Am I sweating all these tears on my face
Should I be hungry?
I can't remember the last time that I ate
Call someone, I need a friend to take me down

But one foot wrong and I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it, somebody gets it
But one foot wrong and I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it, somebody gets it

All the lights are on but I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me? Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll have to love me when I'm gone...

All the lights are on but I'm in the dark
Who's gonna find me? Who's gonna find me?
Just one foot wrong
You'll have to love me when I'm gone

Some people find the beauty in all of this
I go straight to the dark side near this
If it's it bad is it always my fault?
Did somebody bring me down?
Did somebody bring me down?
Did somebody bring me down?

One foot wrong, I'm gonna fall
Put one foot wrong and I'm gonna fall
But one foot wrong and I'm gonna fall
Somebody gets it

I Need a New Town

(Jazmyne and I on the drive down)

Last week I made a semi-whirlwind trip down to Nashville, TN with the chief purpose of visiting Vanderbilt Divinity school. I rode down there with one of my good friends, Jazmyne, and met up with a couple of my other good friends in the city (Tyler and Brock). On Thursday I visited Vanderbilt Divinity, which basically meant that I sat in on a class (Constructive Theology II) next to a friend/middle school ex of Kassie's and Lindsey's. I love how small the world really is. The class was interesting and quite thought provoking, but it was pretty dense. I was glad I didn't have to take notes and that it's not required for MTS students. After the class, I "toured" the divinity library. Toured is put in quotations because that's being generous to call it a tour. The library is, for the most part, in the basement of the giant Vanderbilt Library. They have a pretty impressive collection of Judaica though, which I'm excited about. Vandy also has a program on Jewish studies that will give me a certificate in it. I'm definitely pumped about that! I sat around and chatted with some students while I waited for Brock to get out of class so we could get lunch together. Everyone there was so nice. It just felt so right when I was there. Plus it helps that I have a good friend going to school there too. So....I am FOR SURE going to Vanderbilt Divinity in the fall. I send in my letter of acceptance and deposit next week, and I will MOVE down to NASHVILLE the second weekend (most likely) of August. Crazy, but awesome!

Another exciting update is that I *finally* got a job. I start on Tuesday at The Grotto. It's on Kimbrough and Battlefield in the Battlefield Marketplace. They serve up delicious food. I've been looking for a job for more or less eight or so months, so this is definitely a relief. Plus, I could really use the money. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time (but more nervous....).


I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind
(Boston by Augustana)