Stir-crazy

The last couple weeks my life has been the epitome of boring, or at least most people would believe that it is. I really don't struggle with not having anything to do. I'm okay with the biggest decisions I have to make during the day are whether I want to read, get in the hot tub, watch a movie, or take a nap in the afternoon. These have been my major dilemmas for over a month now. The last two weeks I have left the house a total of three times. One of those times was a week ago for a friends birthday. Other than that, the only human interaction, excluding internet chatting, was my parents. I'm starting to get a little stir crazy, needless to say. I need to see some of my friends because I'm lonely. I want to get out of Willard, dear God, I want out. I want out of Springfield. Out of southwest Missouri. Maybe in a weekend or so I'll just drive somewhere. I'm seriously considering it. Anyway, that's been my life as of late. Today I decided to be productive and clean up my room and give myself a little pedicure. For me, cleaning up the outside helps me feel like I'm cleaning up on the inside as well. I'm trying to remember how to be optimistic and such. We'll see how long I last. I also think that I'm going to start trying to get in the groove of writing again. Tonight I'm going to finish up an old journal and try to write a little. We'll see how it goes.

For the last week I've been sleeping in really late, which is unusual for me. Part of the reason I'm doing this, I believe, is because I cannot fall asleep at night. Every night I lay in bed tossing and turning for hours. Usually around 3 am I get tired of it, get up, and take some Tylenol pm. I found this xkcd comic (click to see) tonight that perfectly describes what I go through every night.

Forgiveness Revisited

A couple weeks ago I read Khaled Hosseini's The Kite Runner. I'm sure most have read this book by now. The story is beautiful, albeit tragic and depressing at times. The story is ultimately about hope, forgiveness, and redemption. Towards the very end of the story, the narrator comes a conclusion about forgiveness that really stood out to me since I read this line only days after writing my blog about forgiveness.

The narrator concludes:

"I wondered if that's how forgiveness budded, not with the fanfare of epiphany, but with pain gathering its things, packing up, and slipping away unannounced in the middle of the night."

This simple definition of forgiveness really resonated with me. When I read that line it made perfect sense to me because that is how I identify forgiveness in my own life. After reflection, I realized that I know I've forgiven someone when the pain silently fades away. I believe that forgiveness cannot just be granted immediately like "the fanfare of epiphany;" a prayer to God will not miraculously usher in a wave of forgiveness (psh. not at all.) I like that there is no hint that the hurt is ever forgotten. The pain subsides, fades to the background, and is replaced with feelings of indifference or replaced with positive feelings towards other people.

After my previous reflections on forgiveness, I believe that I side with Hosseini's narrator Amir's definition of this sometimes elusive word/action/emotion known as forgiveness. It takes time for healing and thus forgiveness, but eventually the pain will slip "away unnannounced in the middle of the night."

World Religions: A digital photography portfolio

I decided to put up the pictures I created for my final portfolio in digital photography from this last fall. We had complete free creative reign for the project. I chose to reflect on my passion and career path, religion. We were required to have 12 pictures, so I chose to represent the world's 6 major religious traditions with 2 photographs each. My canvas of sorts that I photographed was nature. Nature is sacred to me, but I'm not alone; each of the major religions believe that nature is a beautiful creation by the divine, that it's intricately and intimately connected with us humans, and a combination of the two. On each of the pictures I listed a verse from that particular faiths sacred texts or traditions. Unfortunately, they are difficult to read on here, but I wrote the text below the pictures so that you can read them. I also included a distinctive element of each of these faiths that makes them unique and beautiful, including symbols and forms of worship.

I put these in a chronological order of sorts that the religions developed, but divided them into Western religions first followed by Eastern religions.

Enjoy!

Judaism:

"The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork." Psalms 19:1

In the hill, the pine trees (the green ones) spell out Yahweh in Hebrew.

"Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving and perform your vows to the Most High, and call upon me in the day of trouble. I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me." Psalms 50:14-15

The Jewish man (Well, he's actually a Messianic Jew, but shhhh!) pictured is demonstrating the way the priests would raise their arms up at the brazen altar at the tabernacle when the sacrifice was accepted by God as a form of worship. (That was at the "Holy Land" in Eureka Springs, AR.)

Christianity:

"And he said unto them, 'Follow me and I will make you fishers of men.' Immediately they left their nets and followed him." Matthew 4:19-20

The Chi-Rho symbol is on the "No fishing" sign. If you are unaware, the ChiRho was an early Christian symbol that was discrete because it had the appearance of an anchor, which also represented hope. It combined the first two letters of the name "Christ" in Greek.

"Let your light shine before others so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven." Matthew 5:16

The man I merged into the photograph is a Christian monk.

Islam:

"I was a hidden treasure and I wanted to be known: That is why I created the world." Hadith

In the water is the text Allah in Arabic, which represents how creation reflects the divine, who is in this case, Allah.

"For with God are the keys of the unseen; no one knows them but God...and not a single leaf falls but God knows it." Qu'ran Surah 6

The man pictured is a Muslim with his prayer rug performing the pillar of daily prayer.

Hinduism:

"Wherever you find strength, or beauty, or spiritual power, you may be sure that these have sprung from a spark of my essence." Sri Krishna, The Bhagavad Gita

On the tree trunk to the left of the image is the ohm symbol, which represents Hinduism.


"Nothing in this world purifies like spiritual wisdom. It is the perfection achieved in time through the path of yoga, the path which leads to the Self within." Sri Krishna, The Baghavad Gita

In the center of the picture is a woman practicing yoga.

Taoism:

"When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you." Tao Te Ching

For this photo, I opted to express ultimate simplicity in nature which characterizes Taoism.


"Humanity emulates earth, earth emulates heaven, heaven emulates the Way, the Way emulates Nature." Tao Te Ching

In this photo I inclued the yin-yang symbol that represents Taoism. The yin-yang is used because it signifies total balance in all things.

Buddhism:

"The thought is calm, the speech and action are calm, in one who is liberated and gone to serenity by perfect knowledge." The Buddha, from the Dhammapada

Walking down the path is a Buddhist monk in his telling orange robe.

"The spirit of the best of men is spotless, like the lotus in the muddy water, which does not adhere to it." Lalitavistara Sutra

Throughout the water are lotus flowers floating on the water. The lotus flower is a powerful symbol of Buddhist teaching because it represents growing up out of muddy water into something beautiful and set apart.



I really enjoyed working on this project because I was able to work with two things I love: photography and religion.

Let me know what you think! :)



*All of the base photographs were taken by me on a digital camera. The images merged onto the photos included appropriated images, text, and my own photographs.

Finding Forgiveness

For a while now I've been contemplating the notion of forgiveness in addition to love. I am not anywhere near ready to tackle love. I find both hard to understand, define, and even believe in to a certain extent. Last night I had an extremely difficult conversation with someone who hurt me deeply, and I was once again reminded of forgiveness. I said/say I forgive this person, but after it left my mouth I wondered what I even meant by that. Like everyone, I've been hurt in life. What is it that allows us to finally move on, to stop grieving, to rebuild a relationship with the people who hurt us deeply, and to find forgiveness? Does forgiveness occur in time, or at least made easier with time? Is it a choice we make?

Ghandi seems to advocate that forgiveness is a personal choice. I found a quote from him that says, "Forgiveness is choosing to love." In my book Invitation to Christian Spirituality there is an excerpt from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. where he discusses the concept of the Biblical command to "love your enemies" (Mat 5:43-45). One of the most important steps for loving your enemies [and those who have hurt you, friends or enemies] is forgiveness. If we wish to follow this command, then forgiveness has to be an integral part of our relationships. (All the world's major religious traditions, including Christianity, teach about forgiveness in some form or fashion.) Dr. King talked about forgiveness as the first step to loving our enemies.

He wrote, "We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. It is impossible even to begin the act of loving one's enemies without the prior acceptance of the necessity, over and over again, of forgiving those who inflict evil and injury upon us...Forgiveness does not mean ignoring what has been done or putting a false label on an evil act. It means, rather, that the evil act no longer remains as a barrier to the relationship. Forgiveness is a catalyst creating the atmosphere necessary for a fresh start and a new beginning. It is the lifting of a burden or the canceling of a debt. The words, 'I will forgive you but I'll never forget what you've done,' never explain the real nature of forgiveness. Certainly one can never forget, if that means erasing it totally from his mind. But when we forgive, we forget in the sense that the evil deed is no longer a mental block impeding a new relationship. Likewise, we can never say, 'I will forgive you, but I won't have anything further to do with you.' Forgiveness means reconciliation, a coming together again. Without this, no one can love his enemies. The degree to which we are able to forgive determines the degree to which we are able to love our enemies."

I know that's a long quote and that it is set in the context of non-violent reconciliation during the Civil Rights Movement, but I think that what Dr. King says concerning forgiveness applies to today and in personal relationships. I used to feel like I was too forgiving, and I hated it. My willingness to forgive was interpreted by some as weakness, ignorance, and push-over like. I'm glad Dr. King included that forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting the hurt that happened, and the word "forgiveness" alone does not do justice to the act of choosing to love someone who betrayed us, abused us, or hurt us in any other way. Forgiveness seems to go against human nature in my opinion. The idea of reconciliation with our enemy, or rebuilding a relationship with someone who broke your heart, seems ridiculous, like it would be setting yourself up for another fall. And sometimes, we are. But it's hard to know until you try. (What happens to "fool me twice, shame on me" then? lol) I also don't think that forgiveness necessarily means "coming together again" because sometimes the pain is too deep for a fresh start in the sense that rebuilding some form of a relationship is just not possible. Forgiveness is then, I think, letting go of resentment and constant hurt; it is a choice to move on and have a fresh start on your own. Last night I also realized that for me who has been typically too forgiving in the past, there are a couple people that I never will be able to forgive.

I'm still trying to figure out why I can't forgive some, yet I was able to forgive others. And what was it that made me so intent on choosing to forgive some? I'm really not sure, but I do think that letting go of bitterness, hurt, and resentment is the only way to find some sort of peace and joy personally in life.

Dance... by Rumi

I bought a book of poems by Rumi last spring, and really loved them. I have done more scanning of the book than anything. My parents and I went camping for Labor Day weekend this fall, and I found a poem in the book that weekend that quickly became my favorite Rumi poem (and possibly all-time favorite poem). It became my mantra for the semester, and I feel like I have lived out each stanza, or at least tried my hardest to do so. Anyway, here is the poem that saved me and my sanity this semester:

Dance, when you're broken open.
Dance, if you've torn the bandage off.
Dance in the middle of the fighting.
Dance in your blood.
Dance, when you're perfectly free.

-Rumi