Oh yeah....and World Peace

(Jerusalem)
I've been reading this book called The Faith Club: A Muslim, A Christian, A Jew--Three Women Search for Understanding. This book really stands out to me. It is about interfaith dialogue between the three Abrahamic faiths, which is what I'm passionate about and what I want to dedicate my career, future, and life towards. As I've read through it, I have definitely learned a lot about interfaith dialogue on a personal level. It has also confirmed within me that this is what I care about, what my heart beats for.

One section I read tonight really stood out to me because the woman is writing words that my heart speaks. I read it aloud to my mom and her response was simply, "That's exactly your heart." The woman writing this section is the Jewish woman and she is reflecting on her changing views on Israel and also about her love for the Holy Land.

"I'd like to imagine [Israel as] a land of milk and honey, a place where Christians, Jews, and Muslims live together in that one little sliver of holy land in peace, where Jerusalem is the holy city for all faiths. Where saplings are planted and ancient olive trees revered. Where children of all religions and backgrounds believe they have a future. Many people would call me a dreamer. But I don't want to live my life any other way. If I weren't an optimist, I would never have entered into [this interfaith dialogue and relationship]. So many other people would have seen the obstacles to real dialogue and stopped talking. But I need to live in a world where I believe good will prevail over evil, where people will eventually, somehow, put down their arms, and say 'Enough.'

I've read enough now to understand how deeply and tragically conflicts evolved between the Jews and the Arabs over time. But I need to have a dream, to believe that place can exist again. Imperfectly and improbably. And I believe that being a dreamer might in fact take more courage than being a cynic.

There is ultimately no way for me to escape talking honestly about Israel. Hadn't I learned, after all, to see the good alongside the bad, the bitter with the sweet? Could I hear people talk about how beautiful the land of Israel is without pointing out how difficult life is in the Palestinian refugee camps? I will speak out when the time is right, I've decided. I no longer have a choice."
(Birzeit, Israel--olive trees)
(Deheisheh Refugee camp--the largest Palestinian refugee camp in Bethlehem)

I cannot adequately describe how beautiful this quote from Priscilla Warner is to me, how well it puts words to my deepest convictions and passions. I almost cried after reading this because this really is my heart speaking out. I really do dream about peace in Jerusalem even though many say it is impossible. Whether or not it is probable is not what matters to me. What matters is doing everything we can to try for understanding, justice, and peace. If one person's life can be made better, then it is worth it. I have to speak up about Israel in full honesty, honesty that understands this issue politically, religiously, and culturally, honesty that seeks unification not further division, honesty that is willing to work hard for a peace that some would call just a dream.

You may say I'm a dreamer,
But I'm not the only one.

Deceptions of Reflections

I decided to post a poem on here that I wrote almost 3 years ago now. This is actually an incredibly personal poem that I wrote when I was really struggling.

The Deceptions of Reflections
The armor is on
Swords are drawn
Yet another battle is about to begin
I lead the army onward
The battleground draws near and my sword
Is ready to kill
Again
The enemy grows weaker
Our last battle really hurt her
Her defense is nearly gone
We will conquer!
Alright Army, CHARGE!
The process is almost complete
Her mind is ready to yield to us
Tell her she's fat
Make her feel ugly
Convince her she's worthless
Force her to put her fork down
Again
and Again
Just like last time
Ignore her tears
Don't heed her pleas
Never let up!
We must continue to bombard her thoughts
Day
and Night
Constantly
Wait!
What is she doing?
Oh no! She's stronger than we thought
Tell her to put the mirror down
Do it before she breaks...
CRASH!!
...it.
Is that a smile on her face?
(7/20/06)

If you've ever had low self-esteem that turned into an eating disorder (or dangerously close to one), then you can probably relate to this poem. If you haven't, then I hope this will show you what the mindset of someone struggling with anorexia can be like. Anorexia (or any eating disorder) occurs in the mind not body, and I did my best to capture how real the battle which takes place in the mind really is. Also once it has poisoned your mind, it never fully goes away. When I wrote this I was struggling with it (though never too serious or extreme), and since then I have found myself struggling again with it, although to a lesser degree. Now I find myself struggling the most when I am depressed. (I'm good now. No worries.) Anyway, this is probably my favorite poem that I have written. It is personal, and the ending means the most to me. At the time I wrote the ending not out of truth but out of hope. It was a plea that I would find the same strength and finally overcome.

Hendrix and Misty

About 3 weeks ago, my family picked up these 2 rescue English Cocker Spaniels to foster until the ECSA (English Cocker Spaniel Association) Rescue can find good homes for them. Their breeder had over 30 dogs, so the ECSA came in and took them all. These dogs had no human interaction, so we are working on socializing them.

(Hendrix is on the left and Misty is on the right.)

When we first got them, Hendrix had crazy/terrified eyes and wouldn't let any of us get anywhere near him. Misty was scared too and looked mostly to Hendrix for what to do. After spending a lot of time with these dogs, they now come in the house and love laying on the couch. They don't have crazy eyes. They love being petted; their whole bodies wiggle around when we get near them. They love giving kissies. They didn't even eat or drink anything the first 2 1/2 days, and now they will take food out of our hands. Basically, they have made so much improvement in the last 3 weeks that it is unbelievable. I'm so proud of them!! They still have a way to go but the fact that we've already gained some of their trust is incredible.

It's going to be really hard when we have to give them away because these 2 have wiggled their way into both mine and my mom's hearts.

Psalm 13

During church Sunday morning I started scanning through the Psalms as my mind drifted from the pastor's sermon. I landed on one, Psalm 13, and it really spoke to me. The voice in it could very well be my own at this point. Also, the psalm ends on a confident yet hopeful note that I one day hope to find again in God. I guess I just found a sort of solace in this chapter and thought I would share.

Psalm 13

How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I bear pain in my soul, and have sorrow in my heart all day long?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and answer me, O Lord my God!
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death and my enemy will say, "I have prevailed"; my foes will rejoice because I am shaken.

But I trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me.

I Need a New Town

(Jazmyne and I on the drive down)

Last week I made a semi-whirlwind trip down to Nashville, TN with the chief purpose of visiting Vanderbilt Divinity school. I rode down there with one of my good friends, Jazmyne, and met up with a couple of my other good friends in the city (Tyler and Brock). On Thursday I visited Vanderbilt Divinity, which basically meant that I sat in on a class (Constructive Theology II) next to a friend/middle school ex of Kassie's and Lindsey's. I love how small the world really is. The class was interesting and quite thought provoking, but it was pretty dense. I was glad I didn't have to take notes and that it's not required for MTS students. After the class, I "toured" the divinity library. Toured is put in quotations because that's being generous to call it a tour. The library is, for the most part, in the basement of the giant Vanderbilt Library. They have a pretty impressive collection of Judaica though, which I'm excited about. Vandy also has a program on Jewish studies that will give me a certificate in it. I'm definitely pumped about that! I sat around and chatted with some students while I waited for Brock to get out of class so we could get lunch together. Everyone there was so nice. It just felt so right when I was there. Plus it helps that I have a good friend going to school there too. So....I am FOR SURE going to Vanderbilt Divinity in the fall. I send in my letter of acceptance and deposit next week, and I will MOVE down to NASHVILLE the second weekend (most likely) of August. Crazy, but awesome!

Another exciting update is that I *finally* got a job. I start on Tuesday at The Grotto. It's on Kimbrough and Battlefield in the Battlefield Marketplace. They serve up delicious food. I've been looking for a job for more or less eight or so months, so this is definitely a relief. Plus, I could really use the money. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time (but more nervous....).


I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind
(Boston by Augustana)

Road Trip

( Saguaro National Park)

In a little bit I will help my parents load up the truck with our three dogs, hop in, put on some tunes, open a Vault energy drink, and keep my dad awake until 5 am. We are leaving for a road trip to Tuscon, Arizona. We will drive 20 hours one way, stay there on Saturday, and head back home on Sunday. We're picking up a 1994 Toyota Land Cruiser my dad bought. I'm excited for the road trip and to get the hell out of Willard/Springfield for a little bit. I think the change of scenery may be just what the doctor ordered. Plus Saguaro National Park is right there too. I'm excited to go there.

I've been listening to Alana Grace all day today and her song The Tunnel is just one of many I identify with:

Oh, I wanna know, I wanna go/
where the air will clear my soul/
to see the light/
I will find a way through the tunnel.
(Alana Grace, The Tunnel)

On the drive there I will be reading up on Judaism. Istudied it somewhat extensively while in undergrad (that and Islam), and I have the opportunity to help teach it at my church next week. I'll miss this Sunday, so I gave the college pastors some material that they can use to teach from. Next week I get to cover modern Judaism in all it's complexities: the different types, spirituality, modern practices, anti-Semitism, and the Arab-Israeli conflict....all in one hour. Not sure how that's going to happen, but I'm excited for the opportunity to use my degree for something. I will also be teaching Sunday school for each of the major world religions. The objective of this study is to explore the religions in order to learn how to best communicate and ultimately evangelize to people of different faiths. I don't agree with the evangelism aspect at all, but I'm excited to teach my peers about these religions since they wouldn't study them otherwise. Hopefully I can do a good job. My father, who is an awesome teacher, has offered me advice to help curb what he thinks is my opinionatedness and elitism.... Heh. I know I struggle/thrive with those two things. *shrug* It will be a good opportunity, nonetheless, and I really hope to teach everyone as much as I can about Judaism (which just rocks!).

Stir-crazy

The last couple weeks my life has been the epitome of boring, or at least most people would believe that it is. I really don't struggle with not having anything to do. I'm okay with the biggest decisions I have to make during the day are whether I want to read, get in the hot tub, watch a movie, or take a nap in the afternoon. These have been my major dilemmas for over a month now. The last two weeks I have left the house a total of three times. One of those times was a week ago for a friends birthday. Other than that, the only human interaction, excluding internet chatting, was my parents. I'm starting to get a little stir crazy, needless to say. I need to see some of my friends because I'm lonely. I want to get out of Willard, dear God, I want out. I want out of Springfield. Out of southwest Missouri. Maybe in a weekend or so I'll just drive somewhere. I'm seriously considering it. Anyway, that's been my life as of late. Today I decided to be productive and clean up my room and give myself a little pedicure. For me, cleaning up the outside helps me feel like I'm cleaning up on the inside as well. I'm trying to remember how to be optimistic and such. We'll see how long I last. I also think that I'm going to start trying to get in the groove of writing again. Tonight I'm going to finish up an old journal and try to write a little. We'll see how it goes.

For the last week I've been sleeping in really late, which is unusual for me. Part of the reason I'm doing this, I believe, is because I cannot fall asleep at night. Every night I lay in bed tossing and turning for hours. Usually around 3 am I get tired of it, get up, and take some Tylenol pm. I found this xkcd comic (click to see) tonight that perfectly describes what I go through every night.