Finding Forgiveness

For a while now I've been contemplating the notion of forgiveness in addition to love. I am not anywhere near ready to tackle love. I find both hard to understand, define, and even believe in to a certain extent. Last night I had an extremely difficult conversation with someone who hurt me deeply, and I was once again reminded of forgiveness. I said/say I forgive this person, but after it left my mouth I wondered what I even meant by that. Like everyone, I've been hurt in life. What is it that allows us to finally move on, to stop grieving, to rebuild a relationship with the people who hurt us deeply, and to find forgiveness? Does forgiveness occur in time, or at least made easier with time? Is it a choice we make?

Ghandi seems to advocate that forgiveness is a personal choice. I found a quote from him that says, "Forgiveness is choosing to love." In my book Invitation to Christian Spirituality there is an excerpt from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. where he discusses the concept of the Biblical command to "love your enemies" (Mat 5:43-45). One of the most important steps for loving your enemies [and those who have hurt you, friends or enemies] is forgiveness. If we wish to follow this command, then forgiveness has to be an integral part of our relationships. (All the world's major religious traditions, including Christianity, teach about forgiveness in some form or fashion.) Dr. King talked about forgiveness as the first step to loving our enemies.

He wrote, "We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. It is impossible even to begin the act of loving one's enemies without the prior acceptance of the necessity, over and over again, of forgiving those who inflict evil and injury upon us...Forgiveness does not mean ignoring what has been done or putting a false label on an evil act. It means, rather, that the evil act no longer remains as a barrier to the relationship. Forgiveness is a catalyst creating the atmosphere necessary for a fresh start and a new beginning. It is the lifting of a burden or the canceling of a debt. The words, 'I will forgive you but I'll never forget what you've done,' never explain the real nature of forgiveness. Certainly one can never forget, if that means erasing it totally from his mind. But when we forgive, we forget in the sense that the evil deed is no longer a mental block impeding a new relationship. Likewise, we can never say, 'I will forgive you, but I won't have anything further to do with you.' Forgiveness means reconciliation, a coming together again. Without this, no one can love his enemies. The degree to which we are able to forgive determines the degree to which we are able to love our enemies."

I know that's a long quote and that it is set in the context of non-violent reconciliation during the Civil Rights Movement, but I think that what Dr. King says concerning forgiveness applies to today and in personal relationships. I used to feel like I was too forgiving, and I hated it. My willingness to forgive was interpreted by some as weakness, ignorance, and push-over like. I'm glad Dr. King included that forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting the hurt that happened, and the word "forgiveness" alone does not do justice to the act of choosing to love someone who betrayed us, abused us, or hurt us in any other way. Forgiveness seems to go against human nature in my opinion. The idea of reconciliation with our enemy, or rebuilding a relationship with someone who broke your heart, seems ridiculous, like it would be setting yourself up for another fall. And sometimes, we are. But it's hard to know until you try. (What happens to "fool me twice, shame on me" then? lol) I also don't think that forgiveness necessarily means "coming together again" because sometimes the pain is too deep for a fresh start in the sense that rebuilding some form of a relationship is just not possible. Forgiveness is then, I think, letting go of resentment and constant hurt; it is a choice to move on and have a fresh start on your own. Last night I also realized that for me who has been typically too forgiving in the past, there are a couple people that I never will be able to forgive.

I'm still trying to figure out why I can't forgive some, yet I was able to forgive others. And what was it that made me so intent on choosing to forgive some? I'm really not sure, but I do think that letting go of bitterness, hurt, and resentment is the only way to find some sort of peace and joy personally in life.